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Whether you consider it a dangerous side-effect or a happy accident, the increased equality and visibility for LGBT people has led to a perceived lack of need for sexual labels. Just as our traditional view of gender is being challenged by a growing number who feel the binary labels of male and female don’t apply to them – or simply prefer not to apply one of them to themselves or their own experience – so too is sexuality evolving before our eyes.
Research has shown that a number of people who prefer not to identify solely as gay or straight is rising, with one study revealing only six per cent of young people now view themselves as exclusively homosexual.
For many gay or bi men, the act of "coming out" is a huge deal, a release – it’s an affirmation of who they are, what they believe and can irrevocably change their lives. While it gives them sexual freedom, it can destroy their relationships with families, leaving them open to prejudice and criticism in their everyday lives.
Straight men having sex with other men isn’t a new phenomenon. Whether they’re merely curious, or don’t care who they’re getting off with as long as they’re getting off, or simply eschew the traditional definitions of what makes you gay or bi , our increased tolerance allows this in theory, although what your mates down the pub would make of it is another matter. But for the guys who do the coming out, who decide that having sex with men does mean they are gay or bi , how does it feel when the guy they’re sleeping with – in some cases, are in love with – either cannot, or will not, make that step himself?
Should he have to? Does it make his feelings any less real? Can he be committed to a relationship if he’s not on the same page?
The main obstacle is straight men who have sex with men are not usually open about this. Often, the relationship with a gay guy is less a case of “I refuse to conform to labels; this is what I do” and more “this is our thing, our secret”. And because increased tolerance cuts both ways, in that it’s just as wrong to call somebody out for not adopting the label of gay as it is to criticise someone who does, frustrations can go unspoken.
The gay half of this relationship can find that despite being in control of his own sexuality, he has zero steer on the relationship – everything that happens is ruled by the straight half’s desire to either keep it a secret or leave it undefined.
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PDAs, future plans, relationships with families – if it’s on the downlow , it's little more than an affair, which can have a huge effect on the guy who wants to be open.
James identifies as gay, but his first proper relationship was with a man who did not.
"It's crushing during the relationship and after," he says. "Being with someone who doesn't want to accept even the possibility they are bisexual certainly is difficult on a relationship, especially if they're still happy at the time to pursue one."
This is the thing about coming out: you don't want to hide who you are anymore. A relationship with a straight guy can, in a way, reverse that, dragging you back into the closet. James continues, ”When we spent time together, generally indoors, everything was happy. Outside, there’d be moments: going to LGBT spaces and not feeling comfortable at contact; him being hit on by a group of girls when we were on the tube, and not him acknowledging me; not even introducing you to their friends." What kept James going was that things would change once his boyfriend felt more comfortable with himself. "[He set] the boundaries enough to let me think, hope, there's a chance, it just needs time; but there was always that nagging feeling, the dread, that it could end." Inevitably, the pressure got too much. “He had enough and couldn't deal with it any more, so he retreated to his heteronormative lifestyle."
Although the gay guy in the relationship will try their best to be sympathetic – they know this struggle better than most, after all – it's understandable that their patience will wear thin. We’re conditioned to believe we can only be fully happy once we come out, and it can hurt when this is compromised. The ability to go public about their relationships is very important to many gay men – even if it attracts negativity.
As a fresher at university, Robin, then 18, fell into a relationship with Dom, 24. “The first year was almost strictly a bedroom thing,” he tells me. “The whole time, though, he wasn’t comfortable holding hands or kissing outside.” Even though PDAs were kept to a minimum, it didn’t take long for word to get out. “Friends said they saw it in his eyes, the way he was with me, and they just started assuming he was gay so adjusted their behaviour accordingly.” When Dom found out, things regressed further. Says Robin: “I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He absolutely had 100 per cent control over things; the code of conduct imposed on us was coming from him, not me.”
Robin decided he would come out, in the hope it would show Dom that it didn't have to be a nightmare. He admits that while Dom’s behaviour made him feel lousy he still felt a responsibility to him. "He always said he wasn’t gay, but he didn’t believe in bisexuality, either, and he said it so many times over the years." In the end, it didn't work out and Dom is now all set to marry a woman this summer. "He’s about to commit himself to a life he can never enjoy, but it’s a testament to my own levels of self control that I’m willing to let him do that."
While Robin was able to move on – although he’s giving the wedding a miss – the effects of such a relationship on gay men can be devastating and can set back their progress years. Simon was 17 when his hitherto straight best friend made a move on him. "It was purely sexual for him, mainly receiving oral, but because he was the first person who'd ever shown an interest in me, I fell in love,” says Simon, now in his late 20s. “It was a tough time. He would always tell me he wasn't like me, and couldn't be, because he 'had his whole future ahead of him'. The idea that my future was irrelevant and that admitting he was with me would ruin his made me feel worthless and I ended up battling depression for years. Gay men aren't toys to be practised on." It’s only in the last year Simon has managed to start dating again.
Up until recently, fluidity in sexuality was ignored by the mainstream – you either were or you weren’t. Bisexuality was often the only concession to less binary labels, but is and was often a source of derision among straight and gay people alike, characterised by accusations of greed or indecision. The closest anyone got for many years was the advent of metrosexuals – basically straight men who used moisturiser and took longer than five minutes to get ready in the morning – and drunk straight women getting off with each other for a dare. And even these were very much about straight people play-acting than any serious comment on evolving sexuality. Everybody else had to stay in lane, their labels hanging over them.
A sign things could be changing , for the better, are men who are comfortable with their status as a man who sleeps with men, and refuse to be bound by labels. Years after his straight-guy experience at uni , Robin somehow once again found himself in the middle of another heterosexual man's coming-out story.
"When I met Luke, he was a few months out of an eight-year relationship - his only - with a girl," says Robin. "He just admitted he found me interesting and wanted to hang out and eventually we slept together."
At first Robin assumed this was just an ego boost, but when Luke battled depressionand none of his female flings were on the scene, Robin found himself as primary source of care and comfort, and feelings grew from there.
I used to visit him with beers and a curry, and listen to him, we’d cuddle, and usually have sex. Before long, I was hanging out there three nights a week, and on the weekends we’d go for long walks and nice dinners and check out late night movie marathons and be out - 'out out ’ - in public.” On the surface of it, a gay relationship, but Luke didn’t see it that way.
Says Robin, “Every time I asked him what he was - was he straight or gay or what? - he said the whole experience was teaching him not to ask questions anymore. And I thought that was adorable, and sensible, and kind of romantic.” Luke was demonstrative in public and Robin discovered he was telling people he was dating a guy. But he didn’t label himself.
“He’s now dating a girl, but because he was so honest and caring and genuine, with never a hint of torment about his sexuality, I took it in my stride. When someone’s that relaxed, and unguarded, it kind of rubs off on you."
You could argue Luke’s relaxed attitude stems from his privileged position as an ostensibly straight male – his status may not have been as respected by his peers had he he chosen another label, shown less confidence in his sexuality or, almost certainly, not been a guy. It’s not the label, perhaps, that makes the difference, but the openness and the willingness to commit to a relationship whatever your sexuality, or however you see it. While some men may both have the strength of character and also the front – and it takes plenty of that, be under no illusion – to reject these labels and still be open, it should be said that labels can sometimes facilitate this. Many LGBT people themselves either don’t need or reject coming out. For some it simply isn’t an option, while for others it’s a process they never get to enjoy, especially if their mannerisms or constant speculation about their sexuality by others outs them anyway.
What labels also do, of course, is allow others to categorise you and “make sense” of you. It may be what others think doesn’t matter to you, but it's obvious for many men, and while everybody should be able to identify as they see fit, a refusal to identify as one way may not be seen just a f*** you to society – it could also be interpreted as a rejection of homosexuality and bisexuality. It could reinforce the idea that these sexualities are in some way inherently unacceptable, that they could damage your reputation, or that they are a “lifestyle choice”.
All the time, and not too far away from us, LGBT people are fighting for the right to call themselves LGBT, but for your right to define yourself however you choose – gay, straight, fluid, curious. Just as out gay men have a duty to protect themselves from others forcing their own will upon them, maybe those refusing to conform should acknowledge their sacrifice and honour them by supporting the gay and bi brothers who keep their secrets. In private, in public, wherever. Always.
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