Love is NOT a casual thiing for me. Never has been. It is one of the most significant things to me that anyone can experience and I take it VERY seriously.
SO almost two years ago when Joey arrived in Kalamazoo and I was there to pick him up, I wasn't expecting much of a reaction on my part. We had met almost 16 years before and in all that time I had NEVER thought of him in a romantic way. We had not ever lived together and had spent significant periods of time apart, but ok. I was willing to give it a try as he kept telling me he wanted. He first had called me and that led to a number of daily conversations. We talked every day for a while and he kept insisting that we were MEANT for each other, and proof was that no matter what either of us did or who we went with or whatever, we kept coming back to each other ALL THAT TIME.
That much I had to admit was true although i had never realized it. I hadn't even taken notice that we had known each other that long. It was a casual relationship to me and I was as usual SO busy it had kind of escaped me.
That much I had to admit was true although i had never realized it. I hadn't even taken notice that we had known each other that long. It was a casual relationship to me and I was as usual SO busy it had kind of escaped me.
B U T.....
When I walked out onto the platform that night and saw him, something inside me went WHOA...Now, like I said I don't fall in love easily and have done so RARELY. I can fall in LIKE sometimes, but that is NOT the same thing and I know it. All falling in LIKE does is makes you stop and go, I would like to know more about this dude and most of the time it barely gets beyond that. But I knew at that minute that THIS was different, and over the next few weeks..I knew I had never loved like this. I don't think he has either. He has been with A LOT of others but I have come to learn MOST seemed to want to be with him ONLY cause of his looks. EYECANDY and ARMCANDY in a couple of cases. Or as one of his exes told me, he never really loved Joey. He just doesn't like being alone and Joey filled a void. That may be something but LOVE IT IS NOT. Hidden agendas and ulterior motives do NOT make a good foundation for a lasting relationship of love and caring and commitment to the partner. NOT HARDLY.
When I walked out onto the platform that night and saw him, something inside me went WHOA...Now, like I said I don't fall in love easily and have done so RARELY. I can fall in LIKE sometimes, but that is NOT the same thing and I know it. All falling in LIKE does is makes you stop and go, I would like to know more about this dude and most of the time it barely gets beyond that. But I knew at that minute that THIS was different, and over the next few weeks..I knew I had never loved like this. I don't think he has either. He has been with A LOT of others but I have come to learn MOST seemed to want to be with him ONLY cause of his looks. EYECANDY and ARMCANDY in a couple of cases. Or as one of his exes told me, he never really loved Joey. He just doesn't like being alone and Joey filled a void. That may be something but LOVE IT IS NOT. Hidden agendas and ulterior motives do NOT make a good foundation for a lasting relationship of love and caring and commitment to the partner. NOT HARDLY.
TRUST ME. I know what it is like to have dudes want to be with me because of the way I look, and I find it mildly insulting. I want to be liked (let alone loved) because of WHO I AM, not for the house/shelI I live in. I know for many this looks thing is where it is at, NOT ME...and I do not play that superficial shallow game. If Looks are all you got, you don't got squat when the chips are down and your looks are gone and you ain't FUN anymoah.
So here we are. Living together for 1 1/2 years and married almost a year.
It has been rocky to say the least. NOT an easy relationship, both before and since we got married. But I have never stopped loving him more than words can say. Not easy, but there it is.
Funny, but he has done and said and PROVED beyond measure that he loves me too, although he has a lot of trouble saying it and even more trouble doing it. Joey is not openly affectionate or at least not as often as I would like him to be, I am a hopeless romantic and love cuddling and kissing and hugging. That is not his natural bent, having throughout our being together or so I thought...Bi-Polar and Manic-Depressive, having PTSD, ADHD, as well as having Ulcerative Colitis. (All not true btw).
It didn't help that he broke his back in six places last May. had an intestinal blockage last summer, and you name it, He also has a family and social history of people leaving him or just not being there for him. That would cause trust issues in almost anyone...but there are periods when he is VERY affectionate and more often than not caring...VERY caring. I wouldn't be alive to my mind had it not been for him when I was first home from the hospital and during the rest of the times I have been in the hospital since last year. I would have worried myself to death, LITERALLY...but he pushes and prods and encourages and won't let me give up. How can I not love him?
It didn't help that he broke his back in six places last May. had an intestinal blockage last summer, and you name it, He also has a family and social history of people leaving him or just not being there for him. That would cause trust issues in almost anyone...but there are periods when he is VERY affectionate and more often than not caring...VERY caring. I wouldn't be alive to my mind had it not been for him when I was first home from the hospital and during the rest of the times I have been in the hospital since last year. I would have worried myself to death, LITERALLY...but he pushes and prods and encourages and won't let me give up. How can I not love him?
Through ALL THE BAD TIMES, and there have been plenty, we keep returning to each other, and as HE says, that ain't coincidence and I believe it. OVER AND OVER.
NO relationship I know of is perfect or without its pitfalls and ups and downs, some more than others. I don't think we are all that unique, perhaps just a bit more boisterous than most.
JOEY, I LOVE YOU, with ALL my heart...and I always will. That much I know. I will never give up, and even if he does...I WON'T.
THAT is love. Unconditional and everlasting. Better or worse, sickness and in health..TIL DEATH DO US PART. NO EXCEPTIONS, for with conditions it isn't love. It may be SOMETHING, but love? No. Love is all, and eternal and it has to be because otherwise you would never be able to put BOTH feet on the floor/ground and go on day after day, year after year..
I wrote our vows and as we were saying them in the cathedral last Nov 30th, i started to cry, and then noticed that he had also started to cry. I turned and saw that so had some of our family in the pews. CAUSE THE WORDS WE WERE SAYING MEANT SOMETHING...MORE than the words, more than the symbolism, but the ETERNITY of those words. I could almost hear the bells of heaven ringing as we stood there vowing to love until death took us to our next home. Our rector, a four-time Doctorate and married for 40 years this year, said it best.
"Marriage does not mean perfection. For perfection does not include conflict, and it is CONFLICT...that coming against each other...that is how two people GROW In a marriage."
If that is true, and I do think it is, then we must be as growing as it gets. LOL.
JOEY, I love you with all my heart, and always will. That much I know. I will NEVER give up. And it is something I cannot explain, even to myself. It is a thing of the heart, that goes so deep I can't even see the end of it. It is emotional but so much more. I WANT FOR HIM. I ACHE when he does, I HURT when he does, I LONG for him to BE ALL that he can be. I WANT for him, and I care so much it hurts like FUCK. I don't love him because I need him, cause I didn't...far from it. I was happy being the way I was, independently owned and operated. BUT, I need him BECAUSE I love him...more than life, and that is that.
I catch him looking at me sometimes in a way that is unmistakable and I know he catches me doing the same. LOL. I will be laying in bed and suddenly feel his arms around me, without saying a word. I don't talk either. Just...BE. He comes and tells me what he is doing and where he is going and I do the same. I cook for him only after finding out what he wants or even if he is hungry. Neither of us eat much.
He does have this thing with showing affection and yet he does do it. He will deny that, LOL, but it's true. He does.
and because it isn't easy for him it means SO MUCH MORE when he does.
JOEY, I love you with all my heart and always will. That much I know. What could ever make me want to stop? How could I ever go on without you? How is it I got to be here without you for so long, and then here you are.
It's true he drives me crazy a lot, but...that has happened before and i am still here. I am sure I drive him crazy too, but that is part of my job. LOL. The challenges and the conflicts that cause couples to grow as couples AND as individuals are not only ours to bear.
Dr Woodin was right. Necessary...and not always easy when in the middle of it, but in the end...there just is no world for me without Joey.
NONE.
I love you Joey. You are the universe to me, and always will be.
There has NEVER been anyone quite like you in my life, and I don't dare hope I could ever find another Joey and I don't ever want to have to try.
There has NEVER been anyone quite like you in my life, and I don't dare hope I could ever find another Joey and I don't ever want to have to try.
Where were you all that time? Right under my nose, I know...and I was too busy to take notice. Goofy me.
HE IS THE LIGHT THAT ILLUMINATES AND THE FIRE THAT BURNS BRIGHTLY
SO THAT WE CAN FIND OUR WAY TOGETHER UNTIL I LOVE YOU JOEY.
THE END.
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